06.12.08
Posted in Blog at 6:57 am by admin
Having trouble remembering? Try using your whole brain next time.
Think about this: different parts of your brain remember different sense impressions. For example, images are stored in one area of your brain, sounds in another, tactile (touch) sensations in another. What you want to do is plug new information into your brain using as many different senses as possible. Doing so gives you multiple ways of remembering the details later.
To use more of your senses, attempt as many of the following steps as possible with any new material you want to remember:
See it!
This is the easy one most of the time. When you are reading, you are seeing the information. For non-written material or physical items, really try to concentrate. Look carefully and slowly at the shape, color, texture of the object, the material its made of.
Say it!
Read new material out loud. Find a secluded place, perhaps at home, so you don’t distract others. Reading out loud causes memory pathways to form not only through the visual sense (you see the words on the paper), but also through hearing the words. You now have two ways to recall the information.
Write it!
Write down critical concepts. This is also known as note-taking. The act of writing is a physical action that stimulates specific pathways in the brain.
Do it!
If it’s a procedure you need to remember, do it. Do it several times. The act of “doing” is a separate mental pathway that you create. Just reading about something (or just hearing someone else explain how to do it) is not good enough.
Draw it!
Can the information be associated with one or more images? Draw them, even if you are not an artist. Just the act of sketching on paper, even silly images, will engage your visual and creative memory - giving you yet another path for remembering the material.
Imagine it!
Imagine (visualize) the material you want to remember. Studying chemistry or atomic theory? Try to see in your mind’s eye the electrons spinning around the atomic nuclei, try to visualize the molecules you are studying about. Learning history? Try to imagine what the battle must have been like, the location, the combattants, what they were wearing, their weapons. Make it real to you. Bring it out of the abstract.
Research it!
Pull even more brain pathways into the situation. Go on the Internet and research examples. Find more detail than your book or your instructor or that article your read about explained. The more interconnections you can make in your brain by linking information together, the better you will remember.
Emotionalize it!
Find some way to become “connected” with the material. Look for ways to relate emotionally. Anything emotional will be a lot easier to remember. It can make you sad or happy or excited or intrigued. It doesn’t matter, but you must find some way to care about the material.
Convert it!
Trying to memorize dry facts, like dates, numbers, formulas? Find patterns in the information and convert these to something meaningful. For example, try to create rhymes, try to match up the details with facts you already know, patterns can even be found in the shapes of numbers and formulas if you study them closely. When you have time, read the memory systems pages on this site to learn ways of making this technique even more effective.
Question it!
Don’t be a passive and take everything dished out to you. Question the validity of new material. Ask yourself how this or that fact is known, what is the evidence? Is it believable? What does it imply, and how does it relate to what you already know? By questioning material you make it your own and you make it much more memorable. When reading a chapter in a book, scan the headings and turn each backwards into a question. Then when you read the chapter, look for the answers.
I think you see now where this is going. The idea is that you can build multiple memory pathways to the information. For example, if you fail to remember the material through your visual memory, then your audio pathway may allow you to access it.
The more sensory pathways you engage, the more likely you will later be able to jog your memory and recall the information.
Douglas Jobes has made it his mission to help others improve their memory. On his website http://www.memory-improvement-tips.com Douglas provides free information and resources for anyone who wants to remember things better. Check out his website for more great memory improvement tips.
Law Of Attraction Explained
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06.11.08
Posted in Blog at 7:09 am by admin
The first part of our lives, we come to learn the ways of the world.
The second part is spent unlearning.
Some of us are faster learners than others, and unlearners. The trick is to remember the unlearning because if you don’t, you get stuck in delusion.
For instance, I’ll use the example of illness, one of the Big Ones.
We learn early on to have an aversion to getting sick.
Yet we may get more attention, people take care of us, we may get to stay by ourselves to contemplate the delirious thoughts rumbling round and round in our heads.
Most recently, I was in bed with a fever of 103 degrees. I used “The Work” of Byron Katie and Ho’oponopono to heal my thoughts about the illness.
Ho’oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian healing technique that simply requires the inner chanting of four phrases: I love you, Thank you, Please forgive me, (for the part I played in bringing about this “problem”), I am sorry (for the part I played).
Byron Katie’s “The Work” is a process where a “problem” is scrutinized with Inquiry, or a series of questions, that puts the responsibility right back where it belongs–inside yourself.
The 4 questions of Byron Katie’s “The Work”
1) Is it true?
2) Can you absolutely know for sure that it’s true?
3) How do you react when you think that thought?
4) Who would I be without that thought?
—and turn it around—
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I awoke at 3 a.m. one morning with fever and said to myself: “I feel terrible.”
“The Work” began to immediately flow through me, as if called by the Creative Source.
Is this true?
Yes, it is true.
Can I absolutely know without that it is true?
Yes, without doubt.
How do I react when I think the thought: I feel terrible?
Well, I create a story of how terrible I feel, how frustrated I am because the fever won’t break, how I want to do other things but can’t. I just am not enjoying myself.
Who would I be without the thought: I feel terrible?
I’d just be me, lying in bed with a fever, turning to look out the window, witnessing hundreds of lightening bugs blinking majestically there, like a mid-year Christmas light display.
I’d just be lying here saying: Thank you body, thank you fever;
I love you body, I love you fever; I’m sorry and forgive me for the part I played in bringing about this illness.
Turn it around?
I don’t feel terrible.
I feel enlivened.
I feel like the inner fire of the fever is changing me forever.
I feel like the fever is the gateway to transformation.
I feel like the fever gave me this opportunity to spontaneously use “The Work” without even trying to use it and that “The Work” was using me.
Ho’oponopono effortlessly flowed through me like music to my soul.
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I was sick a few days after that, but didn’t complain to people about my illness, didn’t want to, thus did not create a story that would make people say, “Poor you.”
I didn’t have to dramatize the illness with a Poor me, martyr complex that takes longer to undo than it’s worth.
I got to simply be sick, listen to thunderstorms, and the rain gently falling on the vibrant green of summer.
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Kate Loving Shenk is a writer, healer, musician and the creator of the e-book called “Transform Your Nursing Career and Discover Your Calling and Destiny.” Click here to find out how to order the e-book: http://www.nursingcareertransformation.com Check Out Kate’s Blog: http://www.nursehealers.typepad.com
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Dealing With Difficult People
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06.10.08
Posted in Blog at 7:52 am by admin
Freedom means different things for different men. For some, the main joy of relationships is challenge. They happily pursue a woman as long as they don’t have her, but once they do, they start feeling trapped. These men feel as if excitement and new possibilities are now cut off.
Once commitment is in the picture these men feel as though they are trapped and imprisoned. They often say that once a woman has him, he’ll be putty in her hands. In the end he feels he will lose his sense of masculinity. For them it’s all a power game. The one who’s strong is the one who needs less. The power is in not needing.
These men need to be in control to feel their power. It’s no wonder that men like these cannot stay with one woman long. Sooner or later feelings of dependency start to grow. At this point, these men take to the hills. No matter how strong they think they are, their loneliness and frustration only intensify each time they run.
Other men start to feel used when time comes for commitment. Many women feel as though they need a man to make a commitment in order to feel secure. But when a man senses this, it can make him feel like an object, as if he’s being used for the woman’s security.
No man wants to feel as if he’s being used. As soon as he does, he’s going to leave. Feeling loved is different from feeling used. When a woman can give a man freedom, when she has a full, independent life of her own, it can take his fear of being used away.
Deep within all men want to feel loved in relationships. They want to stay and experience being valued and valuing another as well. Once their fears and patterns of running away are understood, they can be handled, and everyone can win. To begin, we must see where these patterns come from, and what they are protecting the man from.
Sometimes the pattern develops at an early age. At one point in a young man’s development the father becomes his opponent, his rival for the mother’s love. When the boy has a healthy maturation, he is able to relinquish his mother and overcome his rivalry with his father. At this point, his father becomes his friend, he identifies with him and is later able to go forward and attain a love of his own.
Some men do not overcome the rivalry with the father. They never grow to feel they can have a woman of their own. And, they act out this pattern over and over in all kinds of relationships. They may give themselves an unconscious message that love is dangerous, perhaps forbidden. Or, they tell themselves the love object, (mother), ultimately belongs to another, (to father). No matter how much I want her, they think, I can never have the woman of my dreams for myself. Or, if I do have her, I am taking her away from someone else.
These men often find that they are unable to be law of successful competing with other men; they are convinced other men will easily win the woman they desire. For them, some other man has more to offer, just as they believed their father did. This is a clear replay of childhood, when they felt they could never measure up to dad. Unless this dynamic is worked through a man’s ongoing relationship with women will, sooner or later, be troubled. Sometimes it is the relationship with the mother, not father, that causes a man to fear and run from love. In other cases, some mothers hold onto their sons emotionally and refuse to let go.
Other mothers withhold the love their sons need. Some are rejecting or overpowering with her son. When this happens the woman becomes the opponent for the man. Men who suffer from this situation run from women continually, seeing love as a trap, a place where they will never get their needs met. Many men are much more fragile than they seem. Harsh words from a woman they are dating can cut very deep.
A woman in relationship with a man like this would do well to encourage him to express his feelings. She should listen quietly and be careful about criticizing him. When she does express her needs and feeling, it is important to do it carefully, in a non-critical manner, making sure he is also aware of how much she values him.
Ultimately, for a man to be healthy romantically, he must work out unfinished business. Once he does he will develop a basic confidence in himself and be able to move forward and find a loving, suitable woman of his own. Commitment is an organic process that takes time. It usually happens in small steps and is the natural progression of the heart.
Touchstones To Remember (How To Deal With Men Who Are Afraid Of Commitment)
FOR WOMEN - Listen carefully to what he tells you. Don’t criticize. Understand. - Don’t think your love will change him or make him want you more. He wants you as much as he can right now. - The less pressure, guilt and obligation in this relationship, the better. The busier you are, the more self fulfilled, the better the chances for this relationship to continue.
FOR MEN - Look at your pictures and expectations in relationships. Understand why you feel trapped in relationships and always need a way out. What or who is it you are really running from? - Try to form a relationship where you can give yourself the emotional freedom to be who you are. Many men feel they constantly have to perform for the woman and therefore do not want to stay for too long. Allow yourself to be true to yourself in the relationship. Say no when you want to. Then you can say yes. - Find women who are more accepting. Ask them in advance about what they need to feel good in a relationship. If they are too possessive, go on to someone else.
Men tell in their own words why they left relationships, what went wrong, in Dr Shoshanna’s top e-book Why Men Leave. The problems often had nothing to do with the woman. Learn how to choose the right partner and build a relationship that really works. Download now at http://www.whymenleave.com Psychologist, award winning relationship expert and speaker has helped thousands. Free ezine and articles http://www.brendashoshanna.com topspeaker@yahoo.com
Pablo Picasso
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Posted in Blog at 7:35 am by admin
With the changing colors of the leaves, the cooler mornings, and the “anyone’s guess” of what temperature the day may turn out to be comes the awareness that we are entering the fall season. This time of change instills feelings of amazement of how gracefully and effortlessly Mother Nature changes her apparel, showing off her beauty and bounty for us to enjoy. So, why do so many of us find change so frightening?
I believe the answer lies in a spiritual truth that we all intuitively know: If something, no matter what it is, changes, then it is by definition not real, because it is not constant, eternal, and stable. It is thus an illusion, falsely conveying the impression of stability and constancy.
When we are not persuaded by what our perceptual senses report back to us, which is that things appear fixed, constant, and stable, a sense of wonderment arises. The truth is the earth is not flat, the planet is not stationed still in space, and the ground and sky do not merge as it appears to our eyes when we look off into the distance. Even the human body, which appears to be fairly constant in appearance, is an illusion.
In A Course in Miracles, we are taught that what is constant, eternal, changeless, and unbounded is us! It is our authentic identity as Spirit, Supreme Intelligence, and Love that is real. Given that this is true about us, is it any wonder that we often initially recoil at the thought of change? I think it makes perfect sense!
What is also interesting to note about change is that when we allow the wisdom of our hearts to be the initiator of the called-for change, it dissipates fixed fears and attitudes and produces outcomes that will ultimately serve the greater good of all individuals affected.
I believe this to be true because the changes we are willing to embrace in our efforts to become fully human, meaning fully self-loving and self-aware, bring with them an intelligent “attractor field” of love and opportunities that all may benefit from, if they desire to.
If I am honest in the review of the countless changes in my life-especially the ones that were initiated by my heart and not my ego-I will have to admit that each change created an orchestration of events and opportunities that over time built a stairway upwards towards even greater opportunities.
This upward phenomenon occurs because we are in reality loving, abundant, truthful, and compassionate in nature, and we do ultimately “stage” our lives towards our awareness, acceptance, and appreciation of that identity.
The next time your heart whispers that there’s a need for change, welcome it as Mother Nature does, move forward with trust in your authentic self’s wisdom, and celebrate the opportunity to get even closer to your highest and most fulfilling life experience!
Moreah Ragusa, RFM, is a psychotherapist, registered family mediator, marriage and divorce counselor, corporate coach, and a popular speaker and seminar leader.
She is the author of four books on spiritual transformation: The New Marriage Paradigm: Inspiring the Transformation and Evolution of Committed Relationships; The New Divorce Paradigm: Transitioning Your Relationship with Integrity; Rediscovering Your Authentic Self: Applying A Course in Miracles to Everyday Life; and Our Cosmic Dance, a candid autobiography offered as a teaching model for personal and relationship growth.
Other Book Recommendations
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06.03.08
Posted in Blog at 5:16 am by admin
***To My Friends Who Are ***
SINGLE
Love is like a butterfly .
The more you chase it , the more it eludes you.
But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.
Love can make you happy but often it hurts ,
but love’s only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it.
So take your time and choose the best.
***To My Friends Who Are ***
NOT SO SINGLE
Love isn’t about becoming somebody else’s “perfect person.”
It’s about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.
***To My Friends Who Are ***
PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE
Never say “I love you” if you don’t care.
Never talk about feelings if they aren’t there
. Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart .
Never look in the eye when all you do is lie.
The cruelest thing a guy can do to a girl is to let her fall in love
when he doesn’t intend to catch her fall and it works both ways…
***To My Friends Who Are ***
MARRIED
Love is not about “it’s your fault”, but “I’m sorry” .
Not “where are you”, but “I’m right here.”
Not “how could you”, but “I understand.”
Not “I wish you were”, but “I’m thankful you are.”
***To My Friends Who Are ***
ENGAGED
The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together
but how good you are for each other.
*** To My Friends Who Are ***
HEARTBROKEN
Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go.
The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them .
*** To My Friends Who Are ***
NAIVE
How to be in love: Fall but don’t stumble, be consistent but not too persistent, share and never
be unfair, understand and try not to demand, and get hurt but never keep the pain.
*** To My Friends Who Are ***
POSSESSIVE
It breaks your heart to see the one you love is happy with someone else
but it’s more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.
*** To My Friends Who Are ***
AFRAID TO CONFESS
Love hurts when you break up with someone.
It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you.
But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.
*** To My Friends Who Are ***
STILL HOLDING ON
A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love,
only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be
and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn’t worth it.
If he isn’t worth it now he’s not going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now.
Let go…..
***TO ALL MY FRIENDS***
My wish for you is a man/women whose love is honest, strong ,
mature , never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.
ANYWAY I WISH YOU ALL TILL THEN MY FRIEND.
http://boggos.blogspot.com/2007/07/dedication-to-all.html
http://boggos.blogspot.com/
You Inspire Me
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06.01.08
Posted in Blog at 3:53 pm by admin
Kids with unmanaged anger can grow up to face big problems. That is why it is so important to help your child learn to process negative emotions in appropriate ways from an early age. You can help them by trying helpful children anger management tips. Even toddlers can learn a little bit about self-control, although tantrums to a certain extent are bound to occur. Here are some children anger management tips that may help your family enjoy a more peaceful home environment.
Young Children Anger Management Tips
If you have toddlers or even preschoolers, you know that they are still learning to control their tempers, especially in public. Many parents are looking for young children anger management tips, and will eagerly accept suggestions from their parents, educators, and community leaders. It is important to remain calm during tantrums and outbursts, but also to be firm and consistent in issuing discipline so your child will take you seriously. Young children anger management tips include timeouts and distracting little ones from disgruntled emotions when they threaten to burst into angry behavior.
Teen Children Anger Management Tips
When dealing with teen children anger management tips, you may have to substitute diplomacy and tact for discipline in this age group. Learn how to be a good listener, quietly asking your son or daughter about their day at school, friends, social activities, and concerns or problems. When you see that they are visibly upset about something, calmly explore that area by asking more focused questions or inviting discussion. In addition, you may want to talk about acceptable ways of expressing displeasure or irritation, such as avoiding certain situations, politely asking for substitutions, or suggesting alternative ways of doing something. Let your kids know in clear terms which behaviors will not be tolerated, such as the use of profanity, throwing things, slamming doors, or refusing to cooperate with housework or homework. You can post the rules on the refrigerator and even invite your teen to help write the guidelines, along with suggesting appropriate consequences for infractions.
Teen children anger management tips might include rewards for self-control and appropriate anger processing. Rewards could be extra time on the computer, telephone, or television or reduced household chores for that week. Kids need to see a balance between love coupled with forgiveness and discipline linked to consequences. Let your teens know you are on their side, but that as they mature, they must become responsible for managing emotions, including anger, in adult-like ways that are socially acceptable.
Raising kids is harder than ever these days. Questionable or negative role models, me-centered self-gratification, and dwindling social restrictions encourage children to express unrestrained emotions that can wreak havoc on families and society. If you feel that your children are starting to display signs of uncontrolled rage, visit websites like anger-management-information.com to learn more about anger management training generally, and for s55Epecific examples of children anger management tips. Then talk to your child’s teacher or a social services worker for more information about getting your child the help that is needed for anger management.
Steve Hill offers some effective anger management tips for children. Learn how to live without anger in your or your family’s life. Read more informative anger management articles and information at:
anger management teen/child resource
anger management info
Steve also has a website at: stuttering therapy.
Manifest
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Posted in Blog at 3:39 pm by admin
When I went back to college at age 25, I had something to overcome - my failure in mathematics as a high school student. We moved around a lot, and I just didn’t “get it.”
Later on, I started at the very beginning with elementary algebra for no credits, then I just took one course at a time. This helped to wipe away years of self-esteem and failure problems in this area. I decided I just wasn’t going to give up no matter how many long nights I spent trying to figure out math problems. It was gut-wrenching but ultimately a success. I finally got to Advanced Calculus and graduated college after 8 years of night school. I wanted to give up a thousand times. Why am I telling you this story? While I was dragging myself through the mud of math, I discovered a few things that were to ultimately help me overcome my insecurities and seeming incompetence.
One thing I discovered was that I had put myself in that position of believing I couldn’t understand mathematics by telling myself again and again “I can’t do it.” One of those things young people often tell themselves when they’re too afraid or too lazy to try. Then they can “wuss out of it” and move on to what they think they’re good at. I had to change the way I talked to myself about my abilities with math. I had listened too long to people like my parents who told me I was a better writer than a mathematician. To friends and other family members and teachers who said I was better at one thing than another.
It was so amazing to be able to finally prove them all wrong. Not just for the sake of proving others wrong, which can really be a strong motivator for change. It was the fact I was able to change my insides completely and be confident about something that had made me feel ashamed and humiliated for years.
And I learned to love math. All of it. It’s difficulty, as well as its beauty.
Here’s the other reason for this blog post. I wanted to tell you about something else that helped me get through some very grueling nights. Maybe it could help you, also. There were many nights when I just didn’t think I would ever solve a math problem for homework. I cried, I screamed, I broke my pencil. It was devastating. But I discovered something that ultimately would help me succeed in just about anything I wanted to try.
I would lie down to go to sleep at night, and I would let those problems go. Give them to my subconscious by the feeling of just handing them over to that other guy that works while I sleep.
Every single time I performed this exercise, when I awoke in the morning - the answer was there. As if I had had an army of workers performing their duties to figure it out all night long.
So, I learned that it is not always a great thing to spend all night sitting up, trying to work out a problem. Worrying about something that is bothering you. Take it to bed. Give the problem to that “other guy.” (your subconscious or unconscious mind or whatever you like to call it) Let him work it out for you. Chances are probably 100 to 1 that he’s going to make you dream crazy dreams about the problem anyway, so you might as well give him something constructive to do instead.
In the morning, you’ll be amazed. It could just very well change your life the way it changed many things about mine.
Good luck, and let me know how it came out.
Lynne
Lynne Schlumpf is the author of “The Little Website That Could” and “Afternoons Off”, both published in 2000 and 2001. She offers free chapters of “The Little Website That Could” book on her blog for anyone to read at: http://www.alaskainmydreams.com/blog Lynne now lives in Alaska and is a filmmaker of Alaska films for the world to enjoy. Her main website has movies, artwork, a travel log, and photos at http://www.alaskainmydreams.com
Ideas For Your Life
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Posted in Blog at 3:25 pm by admin
I recall seeing a study somewhere that suggested self help books don’t really help. I believe it looked at financial self help books. If I remember correctly, three or ten years after reading various “get rich quick” and other money-related books, the readers were generally making more money, but so was everyone else (on average) that didn’t read the books. The conclusion was that the books didn’t help.
Now that is jumping to conclusions! Consider the assumption implicit in it. Researchers assumed those who didn’t read books did nothing special. This seems unlikely, to say the least. From what we see of people, we might wonder if most really want to work on general self development, but we also can see that almost everyone regularly tries to better their financial situation.
In other words, people in the control group were doing things other than reading self help books, and those efforts got them further ahead also. Think about this for a moment. How does this show that the books didn’t help? It’s like “proving” that a car can’t get you across the city because walking and biking and taking a bus can also get you there. They are just different ways to the same goal!
In other words, the books may have helped (on average), just like the other things people tried. Perhaps people choose the things that work best for them. Based on this hypothesis, a better test might be to have one group choose their self help methods while another is forced to use methods chosen by the researchers. If the first group shows more improvement, it suggests that many methods work, and that each person intuitively knows which will be more helpful.
It might show the opposite too. It is difficult to design such research. It is also difficult to have a proper “control,” and to start with the best hypothesis. One lesson from this is to be skeptical of research where things are hard to define and measure.
Self Help Books Clearly Can Help
There are those of us who don’t need research to prove that a good book can help. We clearly recall a book that changed the course of our lives, or that obviously helped us in our relationships, or even boosted our income. Yes, of course self help books can help us.
Now, there is the question of why they don’t always help. You may have a friend who has told you all about a great new self help book or theory, yet doesn’t seem to be much affected by it in the end. You may have read some books yourself that got you excited, but didn’t seem to “stick” in our mind or change your subsequent behavior or life.
One reason for this apparent ineffectiveness may be that you need to read each book more than once, and that self help books in general help most if they are read regularly. (It is also possible that the effects of such books can be powerful, yet too subtle to notice right away.)
This reminds me of some research on eating I read about once. Researchers had people eat a meal. They then concluded that eating didn’t increase the odds of survival, since everyone died of starvation two months later. Okay, I made that up, but do you see the point? Just like you have to eat regularly to get the maximum survival benefit, perhaps you need to get those self help books out again and feed your mind from time to time to get the most out of them.
Copyright Steve Gillman. For more on Self Improvement, and to get the Brainpower Newsletter and other free gifts, visit: http://www.IncreaseBrainPower.com
Manifest
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Posted in Blog at 3:13 pm by admin
Although we may not always realise that we are doing it, we normally place conditions on our happiness. We decide that we will be happy when certain conditions are met in our lives - for instance, we might decide that we must live in a particular type of house in a particular location for us to be truly satisfied and happy . Or it might be about a situation that we feel must come about - for example, we decide that we must get a particular job promotion so that we can be content in our work. There is one other big condition that we often set before we think we can find happiness - we must find Mr or Mrs Right. We believe another person in the shape of a partner will make us happy.
Think about all the conditions you have set yourself for happiness - make a list of them. Notice how we can spend our whole life waiting for these things to be fulfilled. Even if we fulfil one, we then create a new one! All of these conditions have one thing in common, and ironically it is a flaw that prevents us ever finding lasting happiness. Each of these conditions is about bringing something from the outside, to make us happy. Each of these conditions is designed to meet a need - to fil5B4l an emptiness we have inside. These conditions fail because ultimately we cannot askanybody else or any situation to heal our insecurities and sense of lack - we must do that ourselves.
In the relationship work I do, I often hear people complaining that their partner does not do things right - fails to meet their expectations of a devoted, loving partner. They normally say that they no longer love their partner in the way they did when they first met - they think their partner has changed. This is conditional love - it says that “when you behave in the way I want you to, then I will love you.” This places a huge demand on the other person and they feel they are being judged. They might find that they are frozen out and starved of love, unless they behave in the expected way. It is not surprising that this control will damage or destroy a relationship.
The way forward is therefore Unconditional Love, which as it’s name suggest, sets absolutely no conditions on the love that we feel for another person. It really does mean that we will love them no matter how they behave or treat us. Of course this can be a real ’stretch’ because we will often feel that the other person does not deserve our love. To break-through this resistance we need to look within and see that the every thing we are asking as a condition of our love is something we are not doing ourselves. For instance - we might say that the condition of our love is that 5B4our partner must listen to us and understand us as a person. But how well have we listened to and understood them? As all bad behaviour originates from low self-esteem, if they are not behaving in the way we want them to, then we have failed to fully understand why this is. If we could see their inner pain we would know why they are not meeting our conditions and immediately know how to respond with empathy and compassion.
Tip
To be able to love somebody unconditionally we need to be able to see through the surface behaviour to the beautiful, innocent, perfect person underneath. If you find this hard to do today - think back to the time you fell in love with them. Those amazing feelings came about because you were loving them unconditionally - faults and all! It was only later those faults became more obvious as you settled down to a longer-term relationship. So think back to those heady times and visualise yourselves back in that situation of falling in love. Re-live those feelings and then take a long, compassionate look at your partner - see their beauty and grace and imagine yourself melting into them. Forgive them for failing your conditions and forgive yourself for doing the same. If you can, tell them how much you appreciate and love them and remind them of those original wonderful times together - those feelings are still available as soon as you stop judging them and placing conditions on your love.
Condition5A9al love is a viscous circle because if we withdraw our love as a form of punishment, our partner does exactly the same to us. Unconditional love has the opposite effect - it reinforces itself because the forgiveness and acceptance is felt as pure love by our partners and they then naturally return it. Practice unconditional love at every opportunity with your partners, family, friends and colleagues - it is the key to sustained happiness.
Peter Granger is an acclaimed relationship counsellor and life coach. He runs relationship and self-development workshops in the UK. For more free relationship advice and information his books, go to http://www.iloveyouloveme.com
John Adams
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Posted in Blog at 2:30 pm by admin
If you’ve ever dated you’ve dealt with commitment issues. More often than not, it’s the man that doesn’t want to commit and the woman that wants to know to ‘get’ her partner to commit. The following letter is a perfect example of the fear experienced by men when faced with commitment:
“Over the years, I’ve had many relationships with women, and I have a pretty good time with each one until she wants to get serious. Especially if she says, I love you, I’m out of there. I’ve been told I have a fear of commitment, but that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m really committed to my job, and I’ve made long-term commitments to many things, so how could I be afraid of commitment when it comes to a relationship? That old “fear of commitment” label just doesn’t help me see what’s happening here.”
The single thing we all need most in order to be happy is Real Love, but the vast majority of us-including you, I suspect-have seen very little of that kind of love. Instead, we’ve seen that people “love” us when we do what they want-when we’re good-but when we’re inconvenient and uncooperative, we get quite a different reaction. That conditional love creates an enormous and painful emptiness within us, which we then try to fill with Imitation Love.
Real Love is, “I care about your happiness.” Imitation Love is, “I like how you make ME feel.” Imitation Love includes conditional approval, praise, sex, money, power. Imitation Love is traded, bought, and sold, and although it can seem pretty exciting in the moment, it never lasts and never makes us genuinely happy.
Eventually, we come to resent and fear our experiences with Imitation Love, because we don’t like the constant feelings of obligation and disappointment and irritation that result from having to BUY the affection of others with our behavior. It’s exhausting and unfulfilling. Trading in Imitat5B4ion Love gets to be a real drag.
That’s why you tend to avoid getting close to women. Without Real Love, all you’ve ever known to do with women is trade Imitation Love, and although that was sometimes pretty exciting in the beginning, you’ve noticed that eventually the exchange of praise, sex, approval, flattery, and so on becomes less and less rewarding.
It turns to garbage. Somehow you just know-deep inside-that these women care about you only conditionally-the same way you’re caring for them-and why would you want to make a commitment to anybody to experience that kind of emptiness for a lifetime?
So avoiding commitment on your part is actually brilliant. Your intuition-yes, men have intuition too-is telling you that commitment to a life of Imitation Love would be a lousy deal. Good thinking. Does that mean you’ll never have a great lifelong relationship? Not at all. We’ll get to that shortly.
You mentioned that you really get nervous when she says, “I love you.” Of course you do. All our lives people have told us they love us, but then we find out that they like us only when we’re doing things for them and when we don’t inconvenience or hurt them. They often get tired of us and leave. Or they stay in our lives, but they’re demanding and they criticize us.
So it’s understandable that you’d have some negative feelings when you hear, “I love you.” When you hear those words, it’s likely 5B4that some of the following thoughts go through your mind-mostly unconsciously:
1. What do you want from me?
2. What do I have to do so you’ll keep loving me?
3. Do I really want to take on the burden of doing everything it’ll take so you’ll keep loving me?
4. I wonder how long this will last?
5. So what? Lots of people have told me that, and I didn’t end up happy because of it.
6. When are you going to hurt me like everyone else who’s “loved” me?
7. I suppose now I’ll have to tell you that I love you, or you’ll be hurt and angry.
8. I don’t know if I’m capable of loving you like you want in return.
These are all serious concerns, and they explain why many of us have difficulty making a commitment to relationships, especially marriage. We feel obligated to anybody who expresses affection for us, or we’re certain that things will fall apart as they always have in the past, and then we’ll feel even more hurt and alone. We want to avoid all that, so we stay away from commitment.
It’s important that you see that you’re afraid to commit only to a relationship based on imitation Love, because that includes trading, demands, expectations, obligation, and inevitable disappointment and pain. If you knew what a relationship based on real Love could be like, you wouldn’t be afraid of that. Real Love is unconditional and could never hurt you.
When people have felt enough Rea5B4l Love in their lives and begin to share it with others, they can’t imagine how they ever lived another way. By comparison, Imitation Love is utterly empty, even harmful.
The good news is this: You can learn to find Real Love. Visit the information section of RealLove.com to learn more about Real Love and take the simple but powerfully effective steps that will give you the happiness and rewarding relationships you’ve always wanted. When you find a partner with whom you can share that kind of joy, making a commitment to him or her is a delight, not a burden.
The world is literally dying from a lack of the one thing essential for our happiness—Real Love. We spend our entire lives trying to replace that unconditional love with praise, power, sex, money, entertainment, safety, and so on. But it never works, and the resulting emptiness and fear are almost too much to bear.
We don’t have to live like this anymore. Greg Baer and RealLove.com are teaching (1) the real cause of fear and anger and (2) how to find this Real Love that replaces the fear, anger, and conflict in our lives with peace, confidence, and genuine happiness.
Dr. Greg Baer is the author of 16 books, DVDs, and CDs—two of which are internationally published by Penguin Putnam Group—and has presented the life-changing message of Real Love to32A hundreds of thousands of people all over the world.
For more information on Real Love, including hours of free streaming video and audio, visit http://www.RealLove.com . You’ll be grateful for the rest of your life that you took this step.
Buddha Nature
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